Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
