I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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