so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
