So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
