So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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