Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
