I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
