im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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