8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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