You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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