Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
