tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
