Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
