Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
