White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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