Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
