dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize