If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
