when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
