I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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