question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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