i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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