got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
