I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
