i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
