Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Those nachos came to me in a dream
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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