im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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