Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize