I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
