you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
