I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize