please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
