I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
