Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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