he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
