just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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