let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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