420 ftw
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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