I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
