Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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