i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
