you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
wow bdsm is so cute
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize