"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
