I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
