I just cut my nipple shaving
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
