I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
