please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
