I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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