dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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