I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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