did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
