theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
