Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
