So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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