How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
