Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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