??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We had to coat check the pizza.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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