the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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