Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Let's get the cat blown out
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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