theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize