As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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