I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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