I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
