Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
