The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
