I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
