they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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