I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
